My thoughts, my feelings

Today you’re offline. You’re never offline. I sent you an email, i replied to your text post. You’re just ignoring me. It feels so horrible. I don’t think I’ve felt this alone in a long time. Lonely, unwanted and alone. I can’t breathe, my throat is closed. Outside is so gloomy and it’s really not helping. This is horrible. My worst fear, materialized. 
That you won’t want anything else to do with me. That you won’t want to even talk to me. And it’s not one thing I did. we were both pretty weird yesterday, and you even said that it must be because you’re close to your period. 

The not talking and not even being online really feels like you’re giving up. On me, on us. I know you have work, but I have work too. I’m here and I can’t stop thinking about you. That’s all I want. To talk to you and try and make you smile. But you want nothing to do with me, and it hurts. I’d really like the chance to fix whatever it is that I did. 

I feel like we’re literally thousands of miles away, not just physically. It never felt that way. Not ever since we started talking and getting closer, since you became my whole world.

So this morning I woke up sick to my stomach an with the worst headache in a while. I had been biting down all night long. And I cried so much last night when I got home that I actually made myself sick. I almost threw up a few times today and everything. I’m okay now, but the muscles in my stomach are very sore. That’s from all the crying. I can’t believe it. 

I’m still sad by the fact that whatever little tiny hope I had of being able to go there in January has disappeared, but what worries me the most is thinking that you will, in fact, get tired of me in the long run and we might not even get to meet each other in person before that happens. 
And the fact that you spent so much time just cuddling me over text last night instead of enjoying your night out shames me. I should be able to handle disappointment like that. I should be able to handle my own fears and not bother you with them. Because if not, the getting tired part will end up arriving a lot sooner than expected. I’m going to wear you out and you’re going to end up resenting me for being such a pathetic asshole.

I’m supposed to be an adult. And to have my life figured out. To be able to just plan a trip and take it. You deserve someone who can give you everything you want, and who is there to hold you, snuggle you, kiss you, and make you cum whenever you want. I’m not that person. And you’re going to see that eventually, and then you’re going to move on, to find that someone who deserves you.

I love it when you talk about marriage and family with me. That’s never happened to me. I dated a guy, and whenever he brought that up, I would just change subjects, ask him not to get ahead of himself, that we didn’t know what was going to happen in the future. But with you, it’s what I want. What I hope for. What I dream. 

I kinda miss having an rp group. 1x1 is wonderful because there is freedom and I can do whatever the fuck I want wit my partner, but I miss “belonging” somewhere, a little. And I miss the IC drama, I won’t deny that, either.

You’re sick? And you’re going to see a movie? You obviously don’t feel that bad. Something’s up. I can’t tell what it is. And now that I need you, you’re not there. I feel alone, lonely, useless. What’s the point?

I don’t get what’s going on, at all. In just a week, you did a 180° and now we’re back to just writing partners? I can’t. I can’t accommodate to you, it seems. Your snap off at me on Saturday kinda let me see that that’s how you still see me. No matter how much sex talk we get into. I can’t stop thinking about you, but you obviously don’t think about me in the least. Yesterday and today you won’t even reply to my messages, and if you do, it’s 20 minutes later, like nothing’s going on. I can’t keep going like this. I love you too much, and it only hurts. All day, every day.

WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT ANYMORE??????

yeah, what’s the point anymore? I can’t force someone to stay, or to want to care, or be my friend… So… Yeah.

See? it’s already started. You left me hanging last night. An hour later, you replied on tumblr that you were in the shower. Funny, you always told me you were going in for a shower. Now, like two hours later after your last text,  because you disappeared on me, you were “watching a movie”. That never happened before. So yeah, it’s starting. And I tend to get out early. Way before things start going wrong. And you tend to stay, way after things go to shit. So what are we supposed to do? 

I just want to see if all of this is still the same after you go to New York and see your friends that you miss so much and haven’t seen for two years and all that. I’m guessing that won’t happen. I’m guessing it will dilute in time and we’ll stop talking. And that’s going to hurt so much more than I can even imagine. Because it already does. Just thinking about it right now makes me cry and I can’t breathe.

Whatever happens, I just know we won’t get to see Haven and Lisa get married. because I don’t want anything less than what I have right now.

Yeah, I shouldn’t need anyone this much. But I do. And it’s fucking scary and not a good situation at all.

Last week you were going on about your trip to New York, and you’re so excited, and I’m happy for you, I am. I really am. But there’s also a small part of me that it’s terrified, because everything’s going to change. And I said it to you, I said “everything will change”, and all you did was say “awwww bb.” So yeah, you’re not even a little bit sad that it’s going to change. You’re going to go back to wanting to be with your Muse friends, and not need me as much, and next thing I know, I’m gonna be spending more and more time dying over my phone not going off with a text from you. And then I’m going to obsess even more, and it’s only going to hurt. Because I really shouldn’t need anyone this much. It’s a recipe for disaster. Who ever said we were going to be friends for however long it takes for us to meet? There are no guarantees, and I’m going to be left alone, once again. Because that’s what always happens to me. People always leave me. And then I do that thing where I’d rather be the one leaving first, because I can’t take the humiliation of being left behind. So I’ll probably drive you away first. And who knows, maybe I’m doing it right now, and I don’t even know it. And you’re probably getting tired of me already. Of me neediness, and my insecurity, and my fears and me. Just me. Because I knew it was going to happen. I never should have let myself get so involved. So attached. To the point of not being able to go a whole hour without talking to you.

I want to cry, but the tears won’t come. I’m scared I’m already getting numb about it, and accepting the outcome.

I love you so much. I don’t think you even imagine how much.

Yeah, the damage is done. And I know it’s not going to ever be the same again. I can feel it. I’m exhausted from crying, and I don’t know how to go on anymore. I desperately want to go back to two days ago, and I can’t. Last night, saying good night, it wasn’t even as it always was. And you didn’t seem affected. Maybe you’ve outgrown your need to talk to me, even though you said yesterday that it’s the last thing you want, to stop talking to me. 

And I can’t eat, my throat is closed. And I’ve had this pounding headache since yesterday that I can’t shake. And no matter what I do, it’s always the wrong thing. I can’t need you this much. I shouldn’t need anyone this much.

I can’t believe I did it again. Something I said made you feel bad, or guilt, or something. That post at 3am was all because of me, and I probably won’t be able to fix it. It’s all because I opened my huge big mouth and said something I shouldn’t have. And now, today is probably going to suck majorly. You’re going to go to work, and we won’t talk, and my phone isn’t working so we will probably miss each other all the time, and it’s going to get more and more awkward as the day progresses. I know I shouldn’t say anything, so I don’t know what the fuck possessed me to. You said you were going to be on all day, and you weren’t. And the time that you were on, we didn’t even RP. It’s like you didn’t feel the need to. And I waited around online, even though I was dying. And then I saw that post, and I started crying, and I couldn’t keep quiet. Even though I should.

I just don’t want you to regret ever being my RP partner, or my friend, on any level. And I think last night you did. And it’s all my fault.

I guess you can be as petty and jealous as me. Only you’re not jealous of me, but jealous of how I get to interact with other people. Whereas I am jealous of other people getting to interact with you.

Which is like two sides of the same coin. Except we’re on opposite sides. And I’m not enough.

This is the thing: I’m a jealous bitch. Super insecure, and I’m always expecting people to leave me. Because that’s what they’ve always done, without exception. No one lasts in my life, no one sticks around more than a few months at a time. So I’m jealous, and insecure, and I need reassurance all the time. Which, in turn, makes me think that maybe you are getting tired of my whiny-ness. Of course you are. Or you will. I mean, why not, right? Anyone would get fucking tired of that. And just last week we had that whole discussion. I freaked out, I was so desperate, and you did everything you could to reassure me, but how do I really know what you were thinking? How do I know if internally you weren’t groaning and asking yourself “why me?!, why did I have to get involved with this psycho?” No, there’s no way of knowing. And that makes it even worse. Uncertainty for me, is hell. It gives my mind fuel to go to town and get insane and just fuck everything up.

We kept going with that para, we finally finished it, although it felt like being in labor for 37 hours straight, and I promised myself I wouldn’t do it again for a while. But how can I tell you that now para’ing makes me even more anxious than not doing it at all? I do like it, and I love writing with you, just like you said, but when it comes to 1 week after we started it, and our responses are just up in the air, like not really following a direction, and the para isn’t anywhere near being done, I get so anxious. And I don’t handle anxiety very well. And then, things like last week’s Monday happen. You were so understanding and sweet, which only makes me feel worse in the end. Because I feel like a bitch friend who only demands and takes and nags and doesn’t give anything in return. The next day, when we finally finished the para, hallellujah, you started gushing about my writing, and I couldn’t help but think if maybe that was what you thought I wanted to hear. Like I needed it, or something.  So I felt super guilty. Specially because I’m not anything special, and my writing sucks. I have some slips and grammar mistakes that make the shudder when I read back.

So, yes. I’m jealous. I hate the idea of sharing you with anyone else. It hadn’t happened to me for a while, and I thought I had it under control. In fact, I hadn’t been this jealous in a couple of years. But I am now. I’m jealous of sharing you with other players in your RP, with the RP itself, with your other blog. And if I was closer to you, I’d probably be jealous of sharing you with your RL friends, too. although I am sometimes. I am not proud of how petty and childish I can be, but I can’t help it. I get possessive as fuck, and like I said, it hadn’t happened to me in a while.

I wish we could skype every once in a while, I wish I could take more pics and videos of myself, and send them to you. I wish we were even more connected. Cause no matter what you say now, I still feel like it could all end tomorrow. All it takes is for you to stop answering my messages, stop talking to me. And that’s it, you’ll be out of my life and it’ll be like you never were there in the first place.

I’m terrified of that happening.

But then you say you can’t handle the work load and everything else you’re doing. Which is only the RP as far as I know. And your shifts have been the same every since we started writing together. AND you have that other blog, asking people to give you stuff to do. Like you have free time. But you’re saying to me that you can’t. That you can’t handle everything, that it’s too much. And that’s why we practically haven’t RP’d in like, two days.

So, what am I to make of that? OBVIOUSLY, you have time. OBVIOUSLY you get bored at the computer. OBVIOUSLY you want to be doing other stuff, stuff that isn’t RPing with me, or answering my paras. But you go around swearing that you are tired by the end of the day, and that it’s getting to be too much for you.

I never thought you’d lie to me. I always thought we would go to each other with the truth. I much rather you told me exactly what’s going on, and if you’re just fucking bored of me, than go around thinking everything is fine, when it clearly is not.

That’s it. It’s the beginning of the end. I can feel it. And I can’t do anything to stop it.

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I have come to the conclusion that for every extremely happy day you have, an extremely miserable one follows. That’s the only way to keep the balance. Yesterday I had a really, really good day. I was really happy, for nothing in particular. And this is rare for me. I’m not  happy person. But then, today, I’m super sad. And angry. And pissed off at everyone and everything. Without any explanation whatsoever also. So I have no idea why, but as a consequence of yesterday’s unexpected high, I’m suicidal-low today.

So, in a nutshell, it’s better not to be too happy or too sad. That way, you have a constant flow of days, and you don’t have any problems. Being numb is another good option. Of course, being the drama queen that I am, that is completely out of the question for me.

I really, really, really hope you’re not looking for another RP to join or another RP partner. That would kill me.